Whether you are a new client flying off to Paris for your first match or have been happily married for more than twenty years, Kelleher International wants to be your resource to make your journey of love wildly fulfilling, exciting, dynamic, and deeply passionate.
We’ll talk about strategies for dating success, navigating relationship land mines, and the mindset it takes to find love and make it blossom. We will put current events in the context of seeking love and even give you a little window into the match making business and how a centuries-old tradition continues to evolve in our modern world. The “right one” is out there for you, so check back weekly for updates or follow us on Twitter to make the most of our partnership in your future.
I just had a great first date. How do I compete with the two other guys I know she had dates with this past week?
Three things will give you the edge over most men.
Have a Plan on your Date . At Kelleher International we can’t say often enough that women love a “man with a plan”. Women translate that characteristic into a million other things they are looking for. Put together an evening that shows real forethought and planning.
Tell a Personal Story. Don’t tell her “I love the Giants”, say “some of my greatest memories growing up are watching the Giants with my dad and every time they take the field it takes me back to that happiness.” Sharing = Winning.
Be Specific. The more confident a woman, often the deeper are some strands of insecurity — be specific when you compliment her. “Your passion for modern art is captivating and makes me even want to go to a museum.” “Every time I talk to you on the phone I can’t help but smile.” Go for honesty, not corny.
“Before I met Kelleher, I always had ten reasons in my head why it wasn’t the right time to engage a matchmaker, and then you said the only thing that mattered was the answer to the question ‘do you want someone in your life?’ and the rest was just noise. The minute Julia walked into the room, I knew you were right” — Marcus
“I love working with my matchmaker Debra and appreciate her hard work. I can tell she cares, is passionate about her work and is very responsive and accomodating to my busy schedule. I feel like she knows me and I am in great hands.” — Harrison
“I’m not sure whether it is the great men I’ve met through the Kelleher International network or the counsel you’ve been giving me on how to find love in ‘Round Two’ but I have a confidence and hope I haven’t experienced in ten years. I see love in my future! Thanks Kelleher.” Bonnie
In past years we’ve highlighted the best and worst of singles’ and couples’ costumes, but this year we’re going to try something different. We are going to give you three rules for judging costumes and then, it’s quiz time.
Rule #1: Men should be powerful, women should be sexy
Rule #2: Funny lasts for 20 minutes, powerful/sexy lasts alllll night
Rule #3: Be WHO you want to be, not WHAT you want to be
Rate each of our costumes from 1 [bad] to 5 [great] and then check the answers below to see how you did.
Costume A Costume B
Costume C Costume D
Costume E Costume F
A: Sexy and borderline powerful. Her sexiness may be overpowered by general Star Trek nerdiness, and everyone knows the Red Shirt gets killed on every mission. TOTAL SCORE: 4
B: Not sexy, not powerful, she’ll get mad if you spend too much time looking into her ‘eyes’, too soon to dress as a married couple. TOTAL SCORE: 2
C: Violates all three rules and soon you’ll be that couple that keeps knocking things over and are asked to leave. TOTAL SCORE: 1
D: Sexy…check. Powerful…check. Timely with the retirement of the shuttle program…no one will pick up on that. Can you wear white after Labor Day? TOTAL SCORE: 4
E: It’s fun to be a cowboy. Delicious double entendre in the name. A great PG-13 couple’s costume. TOTAL SCORE: 4
F: Hard to beat the sex appeal of plunge + pitchfork. Satan is high on the all-time powerful list. Setting a naughty tone early in the evening could lead to a memorable Halloween. TOTAL SCORE: 5
It’s that time of year again when men not only become obsessed with Sunday football, but also with their imaginary teams of players that don’t actually compete against each other. If you meet a man who uses strange acronyms like RG3 or YTP, should you run away until some time in February?
No. You are misinterpreting signs that many women find very attractive in men.
First, there’s a good chance he’s been in a Fantasy League with the same guys for ten years. Loyalty to this group is a sign of the value he puts on loyalty in all relationships. This is good.
Next, it is competition. He likes to win. He likes weekly opportunities to talk smack and win. There is a correlation between men successful in the workplace (they like to compete) and fantasy football participants.
Finally, the thing that a great Fantasy Football player enjoys is insight, valuing intelligence and seeing something others don’t see. There is an intellectual depth to a Fantasy Football player that often presents itself in other ways.
Loyal, competitive, insightful — all things you should be looking for in your next man.
I think he’s too good for me. She’s good looking, very successful, incredibly smart, well traveled and her friends are about 10x more interesting than mine. I feel like she’s out of my league. Is there a reason for me to stay with this?
This is insecurity, not reality talking. You are rattling off achievements, not values, and it is values that bring people together. Also, great couples aren’t necessarily a series of head-to-head competitions. She may be somewhere with her girlfriends saying “he is so compassionate, he is going to be a great Dad, he makes me feel like I could be anything” – all of which are wonderful things and totally unrelated to your list of accomplishments.
In sales we have a phrase: “Don’t say NO for the customer”. It means that you are projecting your insecurity into the decision, not what you are actually hearing from a customer.
Don’t say “no” for her, and think more about how your aligned values may be the glue that is holding you to this great woman.
Yes, but in the right context. Women are looking for both strength and vulnerability, and exposing yourself a little can go a long way towards building an initial connection. Here’s the only guideline – you’ve got to get in-and-out on this topic, tap it’s power and quickly move on. Use your ‘situation’ as a lead in to a compliment., for example, ‘this is my first date in 20 years, but the second I saw your smile any little nervousness just washed away’. If she asks a follow on question about your past, hit it with ‘that is old water under the bridge, tonight is about ‘what’s next’” and get off the topic.
There is no reason to be anxious about being back-in-the-pool, whether you’ve dated or not in the past two decades, you have improved your skills in meeting new people and making a connection..
If you feel you must discuss your new dating status, use it as an on-ramp to a compliment.
I’ve been out of circulation for a while and am going out on my first date in more than twenty years. I’m nervous. Do I tell him I’m on my first date?
No. You are channeling teen anxiety and an incorrect belief that there is some magic set of interpersonal skills unique to dating. You have been on hundreds of “first dates” in the past twenty years – meeting people for the first time, making a great impression and establishing a connection – the only difference here is the potential for physical contact and a more exciting future.
As soon as you bring up the topic of “this is my first date” then the topic will turn to your past relationships and the process of dating, not the more important topics of the two you getting to know each other.
If it is more than you can bear to hold this topic, then bring it up in the context of “I’ve been so looking forward”, not “I’m so nervous”.
You’ve got an ex who is still part of your life. How do you explain this to your new man?
These come in two flavors, ex-spouse who is now a close friend and ex-spouse that you share parenting duties with.
How do you explain an ex that you are still great friends with outside of any parenting role? You pretty much can’t. It will constantly be a pebble in his shoe. It doesn’t matter if your ex is remarried or both of you swear that the relationship is long over. You have to ask yourself, “what role is that ex playing in your life that you can’t get from someone else, and does it leave room for your new man to take that role?”.
For shared parenting duties the explanation should be easy as long as you limit your joint activities to purely parental and begin to systematically increase exposure of your new man to your kids.
There are some who can and some who can’t. Our country is full of “cultural affiliates” who prefer a party mostly based on loose social experiences they’ve had. They like the idea of the Democrats or the Republicans, but couldn’t really detail what exactly they like. This pairing is easy, stay off the topic and don’t get confrontational.
More difficult is the informed and passionate political supporter. Not only do they tend to have information that supports their position, they often have a blind hatred for the other party that no amount of discussion can dissipate. If this is your situation, watch this video with your partner, and if it’s still tense, then it may be time to secede from the union.
Move on. There are millions of fish in the sea and there is no good path from this point that puts the two of you on the equal footing you need at the beginning of relationship. Sometimes chemistry doesn’t click for someone and you can’t convince her it exists. If you think she said no for a reason, like you were a jerk or she thinks your values aren’t lined up, then you can apologize or rationalize, but you’ll still be starting out a half step behind where you want to be.
Ask yourself if you really want to go out with her again, or you just hate the idea that she doesn’t want to go out with you.
Walk away, and in three weeks if she’s still on your mind then we can talk again about strategies to get a second shot.
Ladies… Some great friends of mine just published a book titled “The Seven Pearls of Financial Freedom”.
The great new book offers women guidance in an era of uncharted opportunities and new financial choices. A woman may set up a foundation in her twenties—when she sells her first company, support her family as the primary breadwinner in her thirties, start a new career in her sixties and remarry in her seventies. Today women cycle repeatedly—but not in any traditional order—through these stages:
Romance and Marriage
Crisis and Loss
The Seven Pearls of Financial Wisdom offers women one invaluable pearl of wisdom for each of these key areas, helping them move beyond outdated financial-planning ideas to enjoy their power, transforming both their money and their lives.
I am the featured expert in the “Romance and Marriage” section, and found the entire book both eye-opening as well as inspiring.
Check out more details [http://www.thesevenpearls.com/our_experts/author/amber-kelleher].
With summer in full swing your black-tie soirees have probably given way to more grill-centric celebrations. Every event is an opportunity…will you be the ketchup or the hot sauce at the next BBQ? Here are four things to do the next time Boy meets Grill.
Deluxe Condiments: women will remember what you wear to the BBQ. You can either fade into the crowd of your t-shirt, sports jersey, cargo shorts and flip flop competition, or you can show up with the message “I look good, you should look good too”. We’re talking button-down collar short-sleeve shirt or NEW polo-tee. Match that with non-khaki, no side pockets, plaid-maybe mid-thigh shorts that say “I know how to put it together”. Ditch the flip flops for leather sandals or nice shoes/no socks and top it off with nice sunglasses you can take off to make eye contact for the first time.
Don’t Settle for Anything less than USDA Prime: The competition for the 6s and 7s at a party is most fierce – average guys think they have a better shot than with the 9s and 10s. Let them have the tier-two lookers and focus only on the best women at the party.
Approach with Purpose: Prep your mindset for “group approach”, it’s almost impossible to separate a women off for a little one-on-one, so be ready to engage a group. If you roll up with “hey how you guys doing?” you might as well open with “you’ll forget about me about three minutes after I leave the conversation”. Join your target group as an expert “I wanted to let everyone know that the avocado red pepper rémoulade combo is the secret to the best burgers here tonight”. Join as a bus boy “I’m here taking drink orders, but only if that order is margarita”. Show up and take some center stage if you want to make an impression.
Don’t let Your Beer get Warm: the BBQ is not the place to close the deal, it is the place to pique interest and make sure you have a way to contact her the next day. Impress her, find out how she is connected to the BBQ in a way that you get her details from someone else, and then before your beer gets warm talking to her (and her group), make an exit.
Summer BBQs are a great place to meet women, and a little prep and a little strategy goes a long way.
I just saw an ad for an “end of summer” sale. End of summer? I feel like my kids just got out of school about 35 minutes ago and that my summer has barely begun. Retail store Xmas decorations long ago pushed to pre-Thanksgiving and I’m sure that July 5th I’ll see my first “Back to School” promotions along with an ad for “Great Gatsby, opening Christmas Day”.
This marketing style creates an “anticipation horizon” that is months away, and the two effects tend to be “I can’t believe that <future event> is so soon, I better take action now!” or “I’ve got plenty of time top postpone worrying about <future event>”.
Finding “The One” doesn’t fall into either of these categories – it’s not a future event, and postponement is simply joy you have lost forever.
Pull out your calendar and put your finger on TODAY. That is when your life could change. Flip ahead to next week — that could be when you realize that you have an opportunity for a new flavor of happiness you’ve never experienced. Look at next month — imagine that is when you and your match are sitting on a beach somewhere making long term plans. Now flip back to TODAY. If you want your life to be better today, next week, next month and beyond, do something in the next five minutes to start that happening.
With anticipation horizons far off in the future, you will always find another reason to wait to put finding love at the top of your list. In pursuing “The One” you have to live in the NOW and take action.
Did you catch Amber on the most recent Extreme Makeover? If not, view [here]. She drew on her years of expertise to help Mike start down the path to finding “The One”. After a transformational year, this new man is back in the game!
“First date…the day before Valentine’s Day. ‘Engagement’ date…the day before the 4th of July. Cameron is everything I hoped for and I have a new love of holidays!” – Elizabeth
“I remember the first time you mentioned Christine like it was yesterday. Raised in Atlanta, nine years with the U.N., wants a big family and thinking ‘none of those things are on my checklist.’ We’re just back from two weeks in Amagansett and I can’t imagine spending one moment away from her. Thanks to the whole team at Kelleher!” – Alan
“You coached me through a hard re-entry in dating and then introduced me to Charles. He is the kindest, gentlest, smartest, most wonderful man I have ever met and I can’t say enough great things about Kelleher. I think August might bring big announcement!” – Rebecca
“It’s probably a little trite for me to use movie production references in this note, but I see the world through a Mark V Viewfinder and I love how Kelleher brought everything into focus for me. Sarah was perfect casting for me – just the right mix of feminine wiles and Midwest charm. On our first date we met for drinks, closed that restaurant, then closed a diner, found another diner and eventually decided that a 14 hour date was long enough. I think it’s going to be a blockbuster.” — Wade
How much “reality” is there on these reality-dating shows I see on TV?
The simple answer is “a lot and very little”. Yes, the “reality” is that the longest running dating show has a track record somewhere in the neighborhood of 2 successes for 16 seasons, and the dynamic of the competition definitely creates cloudy motivations for some of the participants. But what these shows do demonstrate are some of the universal relationship truths: shared values are more likely to get you into the finals than great abs and winning weekly challenges; no two people progress in a relationship at the same pace; shared experiences create a great backdrop for getting to know someone but don’t reveal core values; and the way a couple “fights” says a lot about their long term potential.
The upcoming Ready for Love is going to redefine reality dating shows, and after you watch the first season I’ll come back and answer this question with “a lot and a lot”.
It’s hot out there, and it’s hot in here. We’ve had an incredible number of new extraordinary women added to the Kelleher International database in the past sixty days, and we’re just now finishing up all of our preliminary interviews.
The secret is out.
We’ve been keeping an exciting secret under wraps here at Kelleher International since late last year, but now it is time for us to share it with the entire Kelleher family. For the last six months we have been filming a new TV show called Ready for Love that will air beginning in December! Eva Longoria (of Desperate Housewives’ fame) is executive producing this new dating series, and we have been selected as one of three “relationship experts”. We are thrilled to be chosen as the one true matchmaker for this breakthrough series, and we can’t wait to share more details as the premiere gets closer. Working with Eva has been wonderful and the women we have lined up for this show are spectacular (more details below).
One of the first episodes includes getting crystal clear on exactly what you want out of a relationship. Can you say out loud in twenty words or less exactly the right type of woman we should be looking for for you?
If you’re stuck in summer reruns and are Ready for Love, pick up the phone and call us today at +1 415.332.4111.